Alice came to Girls’ Night and brought chocolate chip cookies. That was a relief, because we had Easter candy that I’d set aside and a bunny cake that Karen had made. I was afraid that as an Author she would be a fancy cheese and crackers person. Nikki, who likes being irreverent, especially since Karen has become a churchlady and she feels outnumbered, brought a gigantic chocolate cross and apologized that she hadn’t been able to find one with Jesus on it. Alice looked as if she didn’t know whether to laugh or not. I thought Nikki would have wanted to make a good impression. You never know who has what issues.
“I hope you’re not offended,” I said.
“Oh, no. I was just thinking that if they did have crosses with Jesus, it would be really neat if they made him out of marzipan. You can’t get the details with chocolate.”
“I’d feel funny eating Jesus,” Emily said.
“Well, I guess you would. But what about the Blessed Virgin Mother?”
“I meant a marzipan one,” Emily said with dignity. For a minute I couldn't figure out why everyone was laughing or shrieking, and then I got it.
“Alice thinks of things nobody else has ever thought of,” Emily giggled, almost with a hint of pride in her voice, as if Alice were her granddaughter or niece. (Mothers wouldn’t be proud; they’d worry about how you were going to get along in the world. And I should know.)
“Charlie does, too,” Karen said, sounding like one of those mothers at parties who compare how quickly their children are being toilet trained over the guacamole. “Tell them what you said about the Ugly Duckling.”
I felt like a child being called on to perform, proud but a little shy. “Well, I said that the Duckling would have been so traumatized by being ostracized that he wouldn’t have been able to enjoy being a swan.”
“And . . .” Karen prompted.
“And I thought that maybe he would still be shut out because he was still different, especially since he was better looking.”
Alice nodded. “I wonder if the ducks would have thought he was better looking – if they had any basis for comparison. Not that it would make much difference. Remember that old Twilight Zone with the woman who played Elly May Clampett getting plastic surgery? She was beautiful, but it turned out that the operation hadn’t worked, because everybody else looked like pigs. Fortunately, they sent her to an island with other people who had the same problem.”
“Yeah, and they introduced her to this cute guy, and she was all ‘Eww.’” Karen has a tendency to talk like a tweenager. She is a librarian at a middle school.
“I just hope he told them to bug off and found some nice swans to hang out with.”
“Or duck off,” Nikki said, and we started laughing again.
Alice is going to fit right in.
The next day, I called Nikki to ask what she thought about Alice as a prospect. “Well, they seem kind of comfortable with each other. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Great for friendship, not so much for romance. But Alice likes her. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
“Did you feel any sexual tension?”
“Honey, I’ve been married so long, I wouldn’t know sexual tension if it came up and bit my butt.” Nikki likes to sound world weary and sophisticated. She says that’s what people expect when you’re married to a European.
I know she didn’t mean that, but I didn’t want to say anything and have her asking about the sexual currents in my life. Actually I wouldn’t have known what to say. I’ll have to talk to Ed about it.
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