Saturday, March 26, 2016

McDonalds March Mini Marathon -- Come with Joy to Meet the Lord -- But Be Mindful of Your Pants!



It's cold for Easter, but at least the sun’s out.  We had a delicious breakfast of hard boiled eggs (Cilla wanted to know why the insides of the eggs were still white.), bunny ears, and jelly beans.  We all like to wait until the Peeps get hard and crunchy (with shreds of Easter grass stuck to them).

We looked like a model family as we filed into church, until Josh took his jacket off and his shirttail was out.  When I tried to tuck it in, he said, “Mom, why are you putting your hand in my pants?”  Of course, he didn’t whisper. 

So I had to say just as loudly, “I’m just fixing your shirt.”

He said “Stop, you’re tickling me.”  Cilla was giggling and Betsey looked pained.  Ed was busy reading the Bulletin.  I looked over and saw that his fly was open.  I finished with Josh, reached across the girls and tapped him on the shoulder.  Then I discretely pointed at his crotch.  He looked puzzled, then shocked, like he thought I wanted to have sex with him.

Fortunately he was able to zip up before the processional.




Alleluia!



Friday, March 25, 2016

McDonalds Mini March Marathon -- The Butter Lamb




Unitarian Easter is not a big deal, although my cousins and I dyed eggs, we had an egg hunt at church, and my parents gave me a basket every year until I had Betsey, when they gave her a basket.  I always made baskets for the dog and cat.
My friends got new dresses and even new underwear, but as my mother pointed out, it was usually too cold for spring dresses and they had to wear coats and no one saw the underwear anyway.  I wore my “nice pants” (the ones that weren’t jeans – my mother was old fashioned that way) and whatever shirt was clean. (It’s supposed to be a cold Easter again.  The girls are complaining about having to wear coats over their new dresses.  I told them to offer it up.  Betsey pointed out that Lent would be over by Easter.  I said, “Well, pray that it warms up.”  I am not up to a theological debate with a ten-year-old.)
My grandmother or one of my aunts would have everyone over for dinner. One year, I found a lamb made of butter holding a red plastic flag and sitting in a bed of green Easter grass at the grocery store and begged my mother to let me take it to the dinner.

She said, “All right, but let’s not tell Daddy.”

I asked why and she looked uncomfortable.  “Let’s make it a surprise.”

My cousins loved the lamb, even after I told them it was butter and not white chocolate, and my grandmother kissed me and told me it was beautiful

The others weren’t so enthusiastic.

My father snorted and Uncle Hank said it was meaningless superstition.  Then my grandfather, who had been raised an Episcopalian, but had broken his parents’ hearts by becoming an atheist in college, said that Those People didn’t think it was meaningless;  the lamb represented Jesus, who supposedly was killed for everyone’s sins so they wouldn’t go to Hell.  He started singing “Oh Lamb of God/Sweet Lamb of God . . . Oh, wash me in your precious blood . . .” My cousin Jessica wailed, “Oh, the poor lamb!” and her sister Jennifer started crying.
Aunt Pooh stepped in and said that even though it was almost dinner time, we could each have one piece of candy.  Jennifer wiped her eyes and said, “How about two?”
We did get two pieces and no one’s appetite was spoiled.  The lamb stayed on the table, but every year after that my mother went food shopping by herself around Easter.
“Lamb of God” is one of my favorite hymns, although some priests don’t use it for fear it will scare off newcomers.  Cilla loves to sing it around the house, although Betsey says she is a big moron who doesn’t understand what it means.


Thursday, March 24, 2016

McDonalds March Mini Marathon -- Maundy Memories



The service on the Thursday before Easter (Maundy Thursday) often includes everyone washing each other’s feet the way Jesus washed the feet of the Disciples the night before he died.  It is a moving spiritual experience that can help you understand the Easter story.  I’ve never been to one because the idea of anyone touching my feet (except children playing “this little piggy”) creeps me out.  Although you don’t have to participate, it would creep me out just to watch.

Janet and Kate have never given me a hard time about it.  Kate would probably love to get into the psychological issues but thinks it’s judgmental to question anyone’s religious practices.  Ed has never said anything one way or the other.

When Betsey was about four, Janet told her about going for a Holy Wednesday pedicure and she wanted to go too, since Janet said she always gets her toenails polished.  So it became a Grandma-granddaughter outing every year and when Cilla was four, she started going.  By then they had moved on to getting manicures.  If I ever get a manicure, the first thing I’ll have to say is “Well, I hope you like a challenge.”

The first year Cilla went, we were sitting around having snacks and drinks before Easter dinner when my mother complimented the girls on their pink (Cilla) and purple (Betsey) fingernails.    Cilla beamed.  “Thank you, Grandma Louie.  We got it for Monday Thursday.”

“It’s Maundy Thursday.” Betsey hissed, “Sheesh!”

My parents looked puzzled.  “You know, when Jesus washed the Disciples’ feet because in the olden days, everyone wore sandals all the time and their feet got all dusty.  So when someone came to visit you, you had to wash their feet.”

My mother was a Unitarian with little imagination.  “But you don’t wear sandals all the time, and when you do, your feet don’t get dusty.”  She might have said it was silly, but one thing I’ll say for the Unitarians is that they teach you to be respectful of other people’s ideas.

Unfortunately I slipped up on that.  “Jesus Christ, Mom, it’s a symbol.”

Everyone got quiet.  My father looked like he was about to say, “Now look here, young lady,” Betsey giggled, and Josh said, “She didn’t mean it, Grandma.  She’s sorry.”

“We got our toes done, too!”  Cilla started to take off her shoes and socks.

“Not now, Cilla,” I said.  “We’re going to eat soon,” But it was too late.  Cilla was sitting next to my father on the couch and she put her feet in his lap.  “See?”

“Very pretty.”

“Betsey and Grandma and Aunt Kate got theirs done, too.  Do you want to see?”  Janet has never been a favorite of my father’s.

“That won’t be necessary; I’m sure they’re very nice.” My father can really be quite courtly when he wants to be, but Janet, probably just to annoy him, took her shoes off.

“You do it, too, Aunt Kate.” Cilla squealed.  So Kate did and then Betsey and then Josh, although he didn’t have anything to show, until everyone was barefoot except Ed and me and my parents.  My mother apologized that she hadn’t had her toes painted.

“I just go get some more crackers,” I said. 

“And we need some olives,” Cilla piped up.  “It’s not festive without olives.”  As if the toe rainbow wasn’t festive enough. 

By the time dinner was ready, everyone had their shoes on, because as Kate had pointed out, Jesus and the Disciples had all put their sandals on to eat.

A better ending for to this would be for me to have an epiphany and go to the service the next year.  But I never have.  I am not known to be stubborn (which may be a polite way to say that I may be wishy-washy), so I think that every once in a while, I can put my foot down, even with plain toenails.


 

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Meet the McDonalds March Mini Marathon -- A Wee Pinch of the Green

 
 
Josh discovered the old custom of pinching people who don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day.  Fortunately he didn’t get caught at school.  I could imagine his getting suspended and my having to decide whether Ed and I would go on the evening news as outraged parents whose child was being unfairly punished.  As they say in England, they’ll suspend your kid before you can say knife.  (I don’t know what this means, exactly, but they say it a lot in my English mystery books.)
Josh and Cilla both got me, but Ed had worn a green tie to work, so he was safe.  I told them that if they did it again, they would be severely punished (before they could say knife) and that I would tell their Dad.  I don’t like to be too specific, since I never know how much discipline I’ll be up to enforcing.
We had spinach lasagna, salad, peas, and orange soda (in honor of Northern Ireland) for dinner, with mint chocolate chip ice cream for dessert, along with Irish potato candies (butter, confectioner's sugar, and coconut rolled in little balls like potatoes and then rolled in cinnamon). 

 


Meet the McDonalds March Mini Marthon



 
 
Every month is McDonalds Madness Month.  Join Charlie and the gang for the highlights.



Sunday, March 6, 2016

Deconstructing Michele





Karen and Nikki couldn't wait to hear the details about my dinner with Emily and Michele. When they asked if I liked her, I had to think. "Yes, I guess so. She seems very nice, but knowing what we do about her . . ."

"I wouldn’t trust her," Karen said. "She’s going to break Emily’s heart again."

"That bitch," Nikki added.

"Maybe she just wants to help," I said.

"I doubt it. She’s like a serial killer. And what makes it worse is that the victims all encourage her. If she does them the favor of dumping them, they come back."

Karen made a face. "That is some sick shit."

"Maybe she really hates women"

"Or she has such low self esteem that she has to constantly reinforce her desirability. She probably didn’t get much action when she was young." I wondered if Joyce Carol Oates has had much luck in love. Of course, being a famous writer must help.

"Did you ever wonder if people who seem really nice are overcompensating?"

"She probably didn’t get enough attention when she was a child."

"Maybe she’s a middle child." Karen is a middle child. She probably thinks Atilla the Hun was a middle child.

I didn’t have much to add. So I just let them enjoy themselves.

"But she has to have something."

"Charm. Like Hitler and Hannibal Lecter."

I decided to jump in.  "
Maybe she doesn’t realize what she’s doing."

"That’s what they all think at first."

"Of course by that time they’re hooked."

Karen sighed. "I’d like to know how she does it. Not that I need to know anymore."

Nikki and I sighed, too, wondering what it would be like to be able to get anyone you wanted.

"Well, you’ll just have to meet her," I said. "They’re coming to the house on Friday."

Later I realized I hadn’t told them about the library.