Intervention -- And a Recipe!

When I walked into  Karen's living room for Girls' Night, not only were Karen, Nikki, Emily and Alice there, but so were Janet, Kate and Missy. My birthday was months away, so it couldn't have been a surprise party, unless they wanted to make it a real surprise.

"Sit down, Charlie," Karen said. "We have to talk." Everyone was sitting in a circle looking looking very serious.

"Okay," I said. There weren't any chairs available, and I was about to sit on the floor, but Karen went in the kitchen and got a bar stool from the counter.

"Jesus, Karen," Nikki said, "Didn't you count? She can't sit on that." Saying Jesus in front of a priest wouldn't bother Nikki.

Karen got flustered. "Of course she can't. She can have my chair." It's a bad sign when people start talking about you as if you weren't there.

I thought I'd let them know I was. "What's going on? "

Janet looked at Kate. "I told you she wouldn't get it."

Kate opened her purse and gave Janet a five dollar bill. She looked a little sheepish. "We had a bet."

"Jesus, Kate," Nikki sighed.

"Sorry, Kate," I said. "She doesn't go to church. She never even went to Sunday School."

"Charlie," Janet said, "She's heard a lot worse." It seemed as if nobody had a name anymore or they had disappeared.

"Okay," Karen said, "Let's get back on track. Charlie, this is an intervention."

Did they think I was an alcoholic? I really only drink on Girls' Night. Had I been blacking out and not remembering?

"We're here because we love you and we don't want to see you ruin your life."

What had I done?

"Charlie," Emily said, "You have to give her up."

"Give who up?"

"It's all right, Charlie," Kate said. "Everyone makes makes bad decisions, especially when they're unhappy."

Janet looked huffy. "What has she got to be unhappy about? She's married to my son."

Alice weighed in, "You never know what goes on in someone else's house."

"And she has three beautiful children."

I thought I'd better speak up. "Give who up?" I asked again.

Emily patted my hand. "Don't be embarrassed. These things happen. She's a force of nature."

"Who's a force of nature?"

Emily looked exasperated. “Michele. She started going after you as soon as she met you. She talked abou you for two hours that night. Maybe she didn't realize it."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Emily?"

Maybe I shouldn't have been pleased, but I was. "What did she say?"

"That's not the point. The point is that she'll just break your heart."

"Not to mention Ed's and the children's," Missy added.

"She told me about what happened in the library."

"Nothing happened. We went up to the fourth floor and looked out the window."

"OK, Charlie." Emily sounded like she didn't believe me.

Then I understood. I couldn't believe it.

"Do you think Michele and I . . . hooked up?"

"Well . . . "

"I would never do that. I'm married."

"I know several women who thought they would never."

"Michele is nice, but she looks like Joyce Carol Oates." I was glad Ms. Oates wasn't in the room. I 'd hate to hurt her feelings.

"So you haven't . . ."

"No."

"What if you were single?" Karen asked. "And she didn't look like Joyce Carol Oates?"

"Karen, don't put ideas in her head."

"I'm just curious."

"You know," Missy said, "I brought two of my pineapple upside down cakes and I can't wait for you to try them. The cake is from a box, but it's organic."

"That sounds delicious," Kate said. "Why don't we all go get some coffee or a nice cup of tea?"

"I have wine," Karen said. Then everybody seemed to think the intervention had worked or they were frustrated or bored.

Kate took me aside. "How did you feel about all this?"

I shrugged. "It's kind of funny really."

I do wonder what Michele said about me after our dinner.

Missy's Pineapple Upside Cake

1 stick of butter

1 cup packed brown sugar

1 20 ounce can crushed pineapple, drained or 1 20 ounce can sliced pineapple, drained

maraschino cherries

1 box butter cake mix

Heat over to 350 degrees.

Prepare cake batter according to the instructions on the box.

Melt butter in a 13 X 9 X 2 pan in the oven.

Sprinkle brown sugar over the butter. Put in pineapple and cherries

Bake according to directions on the box.