Salvation and Career Choices from Charlie's diary

Betsey still isn’t going to church or Sunday School.  No one has asked about her, but I’ve been hiding out in kitchen at Coffee Hour, where everyone is too busy gossiping to notice.

But we had a breakthrough.  We were having dinner and Josh said, “I think it was mean of Jesus to kill those pigs.”

Cilla shrieked, “Don’t say that Josh!   You’ll go to Hell and I’ll miss you!”

Betsey sneered, “What makes you think you’re going to Heaven?”

Cilla looked panicky.  “I’m going to Heaven, aren’t I Mommy?”

“Of course you are. We’re all going.”  Then I changed the subject.

“You know, in Heaven you can eat whatever you want.  And you never have to go to bed.”

This impressed them and probably sounded so good that they didn’t want to spoil things by asking how I knew.

Then Cilla had an idea.  “I’m going to pray to the Blessed Virgin Mother that God forgives Betsey and Josh.”

“That’s very nice of you,” I said, ”but why don’t you ask Jesus?”

“I couldn’t do that.  If He knew Betsey was mad at him, His feelings would be hurt.”

“You know, Josh said, “I’m mad at Jesus, but I still love Him.  Like when Mommy got so mad at Daddy she threw a pillow at him.”

Not one of my prouder moments, but I was trying to get his attention during the Super Bowl.  I forget about what.

“And I forgave her,” Ed put in.

“Very gracious of you.”

“I know.”

“The point I’m trying to make here,” Josh continued, (He got that from my father, except he let out  the  “damn it.”)  “is that Jesus knows we get mad at Him, but it’s OK.  He forgives us.  Just think of all the stuff we do that makes Him mad.”

Betsey looked like she wanted to believe him.  But of course she couldn’t admit it.  “Who are you, Father Josh?”

I started adding in my head: four years of college, three of seminary.  But it’s a long way off.

Josh laughed.  “No way, Jose!  I want to be a paleontologist.”

That’s college, master’s degree and doctorate.  And the job prospects are even worse than for clergy.

Well, it is a long way off.

A Walk on the Wild Side (Or as Close as I'll Ever Get)

Last night I asked Ed if I could pass at a Lesbian bar.

“What put that in your head?”

“Oh, we were just talking.”  I didn’t have to say who “we” were.

“Why would you want to do that?”

“It’s good to get out and see the world and expand your horizons.”

Ed snorted.  “There’s plenty to see without going to some bar, where you’d have to drive home.”

“Oh, one of us could be the designated driver.  I’d do it myself.”  I wouldn’t want to have a buzz on and miss anything, but I didn’t tell Ed that.

“If the three of you went together, people might think you were a ménage a trois.”

I hadn’t thought of that.  What if someone wanted to make it a ménage a quatre?  We’d have to say that one of us had a problem with that, which would be bourgeois and prudish.  We’d argue about who would be the bourgeois one.  (It would probably be me, especially since I wouldn’t be drinking.)

“If you want to have a Lesbian experience, go visit my mother.”

“Ed!  We’re both married!”

“I didn’t mean it that way.  I just meant you can absorb the ambiance over there.”

“That’s pretty fancy talk for an accountant.”

“Well, you can’t talk dirty to a churchlady.”

I did go over to the rectory (which Kate calls “delightfully retro,” to which Janet adds “like an outhouse.”)  Janet wasn’t around, but I did ask Kate about her bar experiences.  Before she was a priest, she was a community organizer and a state lobbyist.  She says the bars were where you got the most lobbying done and the Lesbian bars were where she and her friends went to get back to the real world.

“Well, basically, it’s like a straight bar.  The people you like don’t call you and the ones you gave your number to to avoid hurting their feelings do.  One time someone threw up on my shoes.  Fortunately, they were hiking boots.”

“Were you on a camping trip?”

“No, Charlie.  Sometime when Janet’s here we’ll explain it all to you.  I can’t handle it by myself.”

“That would be great!”

Kate started to get that therapist look in her eye.  “You’re not worrying about anything, are you?”

“Oh, no.  It’s just that I’ve never been to any bar.  At college we drank in our rooms or at fraternity parties.  Then I got married.”

Kate laughed.  “Oh my gosh, you really are an innocent. I always thought Janet was in denial.”

She put her arm around me.  “Well, you didn’t miss anything.”

Ed got me these horsehead squirrel feeders for Valentine's Day,  I got him socks with hearts.