From Charlie's Diary -- A Waste of Atmosphere or I Go and Ask Alice.



We’ve all been trying to figure out what’s going with Alice.  Does she want to be friends with Emily or more?  Once again, I asked Janet to check things out and she talked to somebody who talked to somebody.  The Lesbian community thinks they are a couple.  They ought to know, but they don’t.  Finally, I couldn’t stand the suspense any longer.  “I’m going to have lunch with Alice,” I told Emily.  "And I’m going to ask her what her intentions are.”

Emily looked relieved.  “I guess it’s better to know.  Even if it’s bad news.  I can’t really trust my judgment because I can imagine all kinds of possibilities, but I can’t tell which are more likely.  I figured that you can have discernment or imagination, but not both.  I got imagination.”

“How do you feel about that?”  Who did I think I was, Kate?  And how did I feel about that?

“I’ve resigned myself.  But sometimes I wish my talent had been for math.”  

I knew what she meant.  All my life I’ve imagined at least three explanations for any situation.  It was another reason my mother had worried about how I was going to get along in the world.

I called Alice and said I really needed to talk to her and could we have lunch?  Alice said, “Oh, gosh.  Sure.  Is everything OK?”

“Oh, sure. Nothing major.”  It occurred to me that maybe Alice thought I was after her.  I wondered how she would feel about that.

We met at The Grotto, an Italian restaurant that is charmingly shabby with a waterfall and pictures of Jesus, the Pope, and Frank Sinatra.  It’s kind of dark and there are alcoves.  There were a few professors basically drinking their lunch and a couple who were paying too much attention to each other to be married, although they both had wedding rings.  I had thought it would be a good place to have a delicate conversation, but when I got there, it occurred to me that if I wanted to hit on someone, it would be the perfect place.  I wondered if that would occur to Alice.

“This is great,” she said.  “So atmospheric.”  I was glad she hadn’t said “romantic.”

I thought I’d better wait till we had something to eat to bring up the Situation.  If it turned into a drama, I didn’t want to miss my lunch.  We were on our second piece of pizza when I decided to open the discussion.

“Well,” I said, “I guess you wonder what I needed to talk about.”

“Well. Yeah.  Is everything all right with Ed and the kids?”

“Oh, Ed is fine, the kids are fine, Duke and Nigel are fine.  I’m fine.  My job is fine.  Karen and Nikki are fine.” 

“That’s fine.  I mean, I’m glad.”

“But Emily isn’t so fine.”

Alice looked scared.  “Is she sick?  Is she mad at me?”

“No, she’s fi . . . I mean she’s well.  And she’s not mad, but she’s very confused.”

“I don’t understand.”

 I took a deep breath.  “Alice, what’s your deal?  Are you gay?  Are you interested in Emily?”

In a movie Alice would have choked on her iced tea.  But she just sighed and looked sad.

 “Years ago I tried to be a Lesbian, but it didn’t work out.  I don’t know if I just didn’t meet the right woman or what.  I had lots of terrific friends, though.  It might have been the Reverse Katharine Hepburn Syndrome.  Everyone knew I was straight but me,”

The Syndrome certainly gets around.

“So I dated men,” Alice continued.  “I had some wild and crazy times, but it got to be too much trouble.  It was interfering with my writing time . . . Anyway, I love Emily as a friend, but I guess that’s the best I can do.  Tell Emily I’m sorry.  But if it will make her feel any better, I haven’t had sex for four years.”

“Poor Emily.  She’ll be very disappointed.”  I didn’t know what to say about Alice’s sex life.

“Do you think she’ll still want to be friends?”  Alice sounded wistful.

“Emily was in a support group with the woman who had dumped her, the woman she had dumped for her, and the woman she had been dumped for.  All at the same time.  I guess she can handle it.”

Alice was impressed.  “She never told me about that.” 

It was time to go.  “I’ll call you after I talk to Emily,” I promised.

We were going in opposite directions, and as I watched Alice walk away, I thought it would make a great final scene for a movie.  But it should be in autumn, with leaves falling, not spring.